Chapter one of many. Set in the Gamma World, with a party of experienced "desert warriors".
Updated chapter 1.
MorituriMax, rating: 35 May 04, 2002
I'm not sure if it did it on yours, but the title image kept overlapping the beginning setences.
Also, its a neat story, but has tons of spelling errors, and lots of "english" errors like tense, repeating stuff... grin.. I suck at english "rules" but after 20 years of reading stories, if something feels wrong then I usually have to figure out what it is..
If you could go through and clean up your work, consider this a first draft, and repost the story, I'd love to read it again..!
PS anyone else have anything more helpful to point out, that knows story formatting rules better than me?
MorituriMax, rating: - May 04, 2002
WTH!? Sorry bout the double comment.. not sure why it went twice but wanted to add that the biggest thing that threw me off was how they survived against "50 heavily armed and armored mounted knights".. I could see maybe 12 of them.. but just by running them over they could have finished them off post haste.. there just wasn't enough significant defensive weapons on the good guys side to break a charge by 50 mounted well armed and armored opponents..
Grey_Knight, rating: - May 07, 2002
Well, wasn't much of a rating I hoped for...
Grammar errors?? Man you're breaking my heart! If I'm making such errors, then how am I gonna get the Proficiency??
Actually, I'm going to rework the story. It was too short, I wrote it in 10-15 minutes. Stories need work!
I mostly centered on Raven, my mistake, so you had to assume the rest were killed by the others.
Spelling errors? Curse MS Word!!!
But hey man, a rating of 35 sucks... even if somebody goes on and puts 100, then it'll just be 67-68... and nobody's going to do that?
MorituriMax, rating: - May 08, 2002
Grin.. sorry man, I know I was harsh, but honestly, the spelling was a minor point.. what really made it hard to get through was the overall structure.. and I know I'm not the best guy to critisize it, since I just did my own first story.. but I was looking at it more through the filter of my many years of reading..
Like:"More blood shed, raining the poor horse that ran rampart and bucked off its dead rider"
Grin.. i can hardly wait for the rewrite though.. and I'll be sure to up the grade.. I am not just trying to rip up your work.. I want to honestly provide a constructive critique..
Grey_Knight, rating: - May 09, 2002
Now that I check it, I'd put it a 20. Man it sucks!
The rewrite may be a bit late, since it'll be THOROUGH. And maybe I'll power down Raven a bit.
fred, rating: 85 September 07, 2003
I'm sorry to disagre with you Grey Knight but I liked this story. Honestly I read right past the errors (I didn't see them). Before this I wouldn't have given Gamma World a second look but after reading this I orderd it immediately. I hope that you continue to write more storys here. -Fred
Grey_Knight, rating: - July 21, 2004
If I had the heart, I'd give it a 10. No, not 100, a 10. And only because it inspired fred.
I hope my Saga of Blades (Which I now find a ridiculous name) in LR is better.
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