The Great Giggler [jokes] , Turn that frown upside-down!
in General Zone
Sep 20 2005, 01:21 Group: Ascended, We miss you ST
Sometimes life just sucks. All you can do is get over it and move on. I've found a little humor can help during this transition.
And as far as I know, we don't have a joke thread. So, if it's all right with management I'd like to start one and invite others to join in.
Keep them clean if you can (we have juniors here) and non-racial please.
I shall begin...
If you had bought $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. With
Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drunk all the beer then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit, you
would have $214.00.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is a new retirement program, I call it the 401Keg.
An oldie, but still good...
A US Navy ship is sailing at night and the crew sees a light on a reciprocal course in the distance.
The captain on the bridge tries to radio the other ship to no avail, so he orders the crew to signal it by flashing lights. After some time, they get a response.
The captain sends.....this is a US Navy ship, request you alter your course to the right.
The other vessel responds...you alter your course to the right.
The Captain, now kind of irritated sends......I am a US Navy WARSHIP, alter your course to the right now.
The other vessel responds ...you alter your course to the right.
The Captain, now thoroghly irritated sends......I am a US Navy Aircraft Carrier, conducting flight operations, alter your course to the right NOW.
The other vessel reponds......I am a light house, you choose.
Supposedly, something similar to this actually happened...
My Aunt died this past January. Citi Bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was somewhere around $60.00)
I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
CitiBank: "...excuse me .?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?"
CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"
(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given...)
CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )
( After they get the fax. )
CitiBank: "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care...."
CitiBank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"
CitiBank: "That might help."
Me: " ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )
CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"
Anyone else wanna play?
Sep 20 2005, 01:24 Group: Heroes, WarHulk AI
Scary Mental Image
A weren with a bad hair day.
Do T'sa parents give their kids drugs to make them hyperactive?
More to Follow (if I know me)
Sep 20 2005, 13:16 Group: Heroes, The yellow King
God is giving out life spans and jobs to all his creatures, he has four to go.
You shall live for eighty years! From sun up to sun down six days a week you shall carry mans load.
Umm Thats a long time to be a beast of burden. Please allow me to live for fourty years and I shall do this happily.
Very well fourty years it is.
With this ox ambles away, and monkey steps up.
You shall live for twenty years, and do tricks for mans children every day.
Umm thats a long time to be an acrobat, could I do it for just ten years? With this I could be happy every day.
Very well ten years it is.
With this monkey scampers up a tree and begins to play, then dog steps up.
You shall live for twenty years! Every day of your live you shall guard man. When he sleeps at night you shall sleep at his door and warn when danger is near.
Umm thats a long time to be constantly alert. If I could be alert for only ten years I would do this every day with joy.
Very well ten years it shall be!
With this dog runs off sniffing the ground for any sign of danger, then man steps up.
You man, my beloved. you have no responsibilities.
Woo HOO all right!
But your life span shall be twenty years.
What?? Only twenty years!
With this man begins to ponder.
I don't wish to appear to be an eaves dropper, but there was such a short line. I couldn't help but over hear Ox give back fourty years.... If you don't mind I would take his fourty years for myself.
Are you sure you want that?
I am sure..... When you spoke to monkey I heard him give back ten years, and I wasn't eaves dropping, I mean he speaks so loud. If you don't mind I shall claim his ten years also Lord.
Man do you know what you are doing?
Yes Lord. Then it was you and dog, and I could help but overhear him also give back ten years. If you would allow it I would claim these for myself also.
Man are you positive you know what you are doing? For it will not be changed.
I am positive Lord.
So be it for ever and ever!
This is why to this day man has little to no responcibility for the first twenty years of his life.
For the next fourty he must work and slave to make a living.
For ten years after this man performs monkey tricks for his grand children.
And the last ten years he sits on his porch and barks at anyone coming up the walk!
It's a long one but a goodie. Hope you liked it.
Sep 20 2005, 13:47 Group: Heroes, Leader of S.O.A.R. (Saviors Of All Realms)
Ok I love the Military even though I'm not in it. So without further adoo..Murphy's Laws of Combat.
1. Friendly fire - isn't.
2. Recoilless rifles - aren't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
5. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
6. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
7. Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
8. If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
9. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
10. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
11. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
12. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
13. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
14. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
15. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. When they're ready.
b. When you're not.
16. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
17. There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
18. Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
19. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
20. A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
21. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
22. The easy way is always mined.
23. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
24. Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
25. Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
26. If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
27. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
28. Incoming fire has the right of way.
29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
30. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
31. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
32. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
33. Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
34. Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
35. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
36. Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both).
37. Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
38. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
39. Tracers work both ways.
40. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
41. When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
42. Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
43. Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
44. Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
45. Weather ain't neutral.
46. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
47. Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
48. 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go'.
49. The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
50. Napalm is an area support weapon.
51. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
52. B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
53. Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
54. Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
55. The one item you need is always in short supply.
56. Interchangeable parts aren't.
57. It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
58. When in doubt, empty your magazine.
59. The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
60. Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
61. If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
62. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
63. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
64. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
65. Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
66. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
67. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
68. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
69. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
70. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
71. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
72. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
73. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
74. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
75. If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
76. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
77. Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
78. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
79. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
80. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
81. To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
82. The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
83. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
84. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
85. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
86. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
87. Murphy was a grunt.
88. Beer Math --> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
89. Body count Math --> 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
90. The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
91. All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
92. The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
93. The crucial round is a dud.
94. Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
95. There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
96. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
97. If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
98. If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
99. If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
100. Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
101. Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
102. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
103. The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
104. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
105. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
106. The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
107. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
108. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
109. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
110. The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
111. Walking point = sniper bait.
112. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
113. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
114. Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.
115. What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the next rank.
116. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.
117. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target. That round will be a dud.
118. Mine fields are not neutral.
119. The weight of your equipment is proportional to the time you have been carrying it.
120. Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together.
121. If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap.
122. The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can throw it.
123. Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous.
124. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
125. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
126. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small. (or "on order")
127. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
128. When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff officers conferring,
he has fallen back too far.
129. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
130. If at first you don't succeed, then bomb disposal probably isn't for you.
131. Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
132. Whenever you lose contact with the enemy, look behind you.
133. If you find yourself in front of your platoon they know something you don't.
134. The seriousness of a wound (in a firefight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
135. The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
136. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend.
137 When the enemy is closing, the artillery will always be to long
138 Smart bombs have bad days too.
139 Uncrating and assembly instructions are always inside the crate.
140 If you have a personality conflict with your superior: he has the personality, you have the conflict.
141 If you enter the CO's Presence with an idea, you will leave his Presence with the CO's idea.
142. All or any of the Murphys Laws above combined.
Sep 20 2005, 17:33 Group: Heroes, Merc with a mouth!
Reminds me of my Cyberpunk days...
Sep 24 2005, 05:46 Group: Heroes, WarHulk AI
You forgot the Last Rule of Combat.
At any moment, all of the proceeding will cease to operate for an indefinite period of time. This is to inspire paranoia and watchfulness in the intelligent and complacency in the stupid.
The above is also known as Darwin's Codicil to Murphy.
Sep 24 2005, 06:05 Group: Heroes, EAT CHEDDAR, lactose intolerant demon!
Some of those rules were repeats.
Sep 24 2005, 06:16 Group: Heroes, WarHulk AI
That's because they're important enough to repeat.
There's another Murphy's aphorism that applies to the military, although its really corporate.
"Anything you order will either be supplied in the wrong size/shape/configuration or be delivered three days after you no longer need it."
Sep 24 2005, 07:15 Group: Ascended, We miss you ST
BTW, funny news articles could be posted here too. Sometimes life can be the best comedy of all.
Here's some more gigglers...
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Wow, really?" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".
My fellow Canadians will like this one...
Prime Minister Jean Chretien is visiting an elementary school and stops in one of the classrooms. On the board the word "tragedy" is written.
"So, you kids know what that means, don't you?" Chretien asks.
"Oh, I do," one little boy says. "Say if there was this plane that was carrying medicine that was needed to help some people and it crashed. That would be a tragedy."
"No, no, that would be an accident," Chretien says. "Does anybody else think they know what it is?"
Another kid says, "if there was a ship that was carrying lots of people and it hit an iceberg and they all died. That would be a tragedy."
"No, that would be a great loss," Chretien says.
Another kid has been thinking about this and put his hand up. "I know what it is," he says. "If someone went and dropped a bomb on Parliament Hill and it killed the Prime Minister and all the senators and cabinet ministers, that would be a tragedy."
"Why yes," Chretien exclaims. "How come you're so smart?"
"Well," the kid says, "it couldn't have been an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"
Maybe this one isn't funny...
Can you name this organization based solely on the following statistics?
* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress (1998).
Found this one on a children's health site...
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m. I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was fine to sleep with Mommy when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home to please sleep their own beds. They said "OK."
After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, there were hundreds of other folks also waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
Alex shouted across the waiting area, "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!"
Actual headlines from 2002...
1. Crack Found on Governors Daughter
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
9. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
10. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
11. War Dims Hope for Peace
12. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
13. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
14. Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
15. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
16. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
17. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
18. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
19. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
20. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
21. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
22. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
'Nuff fer now,
Sep 24 2005, 07:27 Group: Heroes, WarHulk AI
One I heard at the end of Tax Season. It's true.
A guy decides to rob a store in Seattle (I think it was). An emporium dedicated to leather goods and firearms of the holstered variety.
He walks around the police car parked in front of the door, walks into the place and pulls out his .22, shoots the ceiling and announces a robbery.
The owner of said establishment draws his preferred weapon (Double Eagle), the officer draws his service weapon (S&W 10mm), and the remaining customers join in with whatever they're packing.
Said would be criminal (first offence) was shot 29 times.
Aforementioned criminal genius is currently handicapped as the odds on favorite to be the 2005 Darwin Awards Winner.